Last time I covered for Eddie Chan, I got to interview a hot Asian naked female wrestler, and watch one of the funniest DVDs I had ever seen, which also happened to feature hot naked chicks wrestling. So, when Eddie pulled out of reviewing the Suicide Girls, I jumped at the chance to review them. I mean, come on, free naked chicks, how could a single heterosexual man pass on that offer?

Well, having spent the evening surrounded by non-conforming conformists all dressed in black listening to crap music, I can safely say I will NEVER cover for Eddie again. I used to think the most un- erotic thing I could witness was a Liberal Party orgy. I was wrong. The most un-erotic thing I can witness is staring at the back of some greasy haired wannabe goth wanker whilst hot topless girls bounce around on a stage I can’t see.

Because the way Fowlers Live was set up, if you were anywhere but at the front you got the glimpse of a beautiful perfectly formed breast bounce into your vision, then spent the next 5 minutes staring at the gel fighting with the hairspray in some stupid ‘I’m so hip’ hair. You may think that’s harsh, but the dude had a rats tail for Christ sakes. In 2006! That’s just WRONG!!

As for the show itself, if it was burlesque then I’m a trained ninja assassin whose next job is to kill the president of Zimbabwe so that America can continue enforcing its New World Order! In case you don’t know me from a bar of soap, I’m not a Ninja Assassin – In typical Napoleon Dynamite fashion, I don’t have any skills – and even if I did I wouldn’t be in the employ of GW Bush. The suicide girls put on a simple strip show, devoid of the humour and social commentary of a typical burlesque show. In fact, the Simpsons episode where they sing ‘we put the spring in Springfield’ was more burlesque, and thus more erotic, than this pile of, it has to be said, rather good looking flesh.

I also have to make mention of the fact that after a 3 hour wait for this particular act, I was a little inebriated by the time they come on. I’m normally a sober, patient man, but waiting 3 hours whilst some moron in a mask does boring magic tricks with a dildo, followed a band with a lead singer dressed in a blouse, is enough to drive even the Pope to drink. So once the girls started strutting their stuff, I whipped out my phone and started writing notes, knowing I’d be unable to remember most of the show afterwards, considering the fact I could even see my phone was a miracle even Jesus would be proud of. The next thing I know I had some fucking ape clench my arm, and demand I stop taking photos. I tried to patiently explain I was writing notes, and even showed him my phone, but the hairy cunt threatened to throw me out if he saw my phone in my hand again.

So, would I recommend the Live Suicide Girls Burlesque show to anyone? Not on your life. I suggest you go to the website www.suicidegirls.com and sign up, because you’ll see more titties there, and you can join the massive number of FOUR South Australian’s who’ve actually contributed money to them and their website.